“What? To live alone on a strange planet, one that’s probably as desolate as the moon? You might as well just kill me now.” This answer was even more terrifying than being imprisoned for life. After all, these aliens are intelligent beings—I can at least communicate with them, and it’s not too lonely most of the time. But if I had to live alone on a deserted planet, I’d basically be the shut-in version of Chang’e.

I practically went mad, throwing myself at the door and pounding on it furiously. “Let me go home, I want to go back to Earth…” Just thinking about that dead-silent world sent chills down my spine, and I even forgot the fact that I probably couldn’t survive in such a harsh environment.

“That won’t happen. We will place you on a planet with intelligent life.”

“Intelligent life? What kind of intelligent life? If they’re more advanced than Earth, I’ll be like a wild gorilla! If they’re less advanced, I’ll have to live with a bunch of uncivilized apes…” Once again, I spiraled into extreme panic and madness.

“No, no, we’ve selected the planet most similar to your own, and the main intelligent species there have over ninety percent resemblance to humans on Earth. Even the probability of successful mating is 1.5 percent.”

“Screw your spaceship! Maybe the successful mating rate is 1.5 percent too.” I’d given up all pretense—no matter how much I cursed these aliens, they never got angry, so why not let loose?

“To ensure your survival, we will give you some items.”

A small, fist-sized egg was lowered from the ceiling by a mechanical arm. “This is the essential equipment for field research on our planet: the Queen Mother. After hatching, the Queen Mother is just like your Earth’s ant queen—she can produce billions of bio-beasts to protect your safety. We have already locked your mental wavelength with the Queen Mother’s. From now on, you will have the highest command authority over any bio-beast the Queen Mother creates!”

“Screw your Queen Mother.”

“Well then, we wish you a pleasant journey, and thank you again for your cooperation!” Suddenly, a hatch opened beneath my feet. By the time I regained my senses after being tossed around, I found myself inside a space that looked like a life pod.

As the alien Yeast Three bid farewell, the life pod was ruthlessly ejected. With this tiny Queen Mother egg in hand, I was thrown from space toward a planet that was also blue in color.

I got up and looked out the porthole, and saw that this planet actually had seven continents. These seven continents divided the planet’s oceans into nine major sections. The life pod circled the planet three times before finally making a rapid descent toward the largest continent.

Bang!

The hatch of the life pod opened. I crawled out with difficulty, cursing the aliens’ god and all their ancestors at the top of my lungs. Luckily, when I was a guinea pig, I’d had a “if not me, then who” attitude and worked hard to learn some alien knowledge. Back then, I’d hoped that if I ever made it back to Earth, what I’d learned would let me sweep all the Nobel Prizes in every field, and win the Turing Award. I’d get a Fields Medal every year—don’t even bother offering me a few pretty female mathematicians, I wouldn’t care to accept. Even if I just wrote a memoir, it would outsell the Bible, and I’d rake in royalties like crazy.

“Damn it, who the hell said the Fields Medal isn’t awarded every year…”

Chapter Two: Supreme Beverage Cow

“It’s me, the AI of Life Pod No. 15. My database contains all the Earth data I could collect.”

I looked at the busted life pod with the same gaze a dinosaur would give to lace trim, and almost rushed over to give it a big kiss. “AI! Data! This thing is priceless! I used to have nearly a thousand gigs of top-tier stuff in my private collection—this alien tech should be even more comprehensive.”

I casually asked, “Number Fifteen! Do you have the game ‘Heroes of the Three Kingdoms VI’? That’s my favorite. Looks like entertainment won’t be a problem on this planet.”

The AI of Life Pod No. 15 was silent for a while, then finally spoke in a completely emotionless voice: “I detected your pulse and heartbeat, and scanned the active regions of your brain. Judging from your endocrine response and the bulge in your crotch, when you thought of ‘data’ just now, you weren’t thinking about games, but had a strong desire for a certain island nation’s video recordings!”

I glanced a few times at the egg-shaped body of Life Pod No. 15, remembering that it was my only support on this strange planet, so I let its impurity slide. Carefully, I took out the Queen Mother egg, then used our mental connection to issue the first command: hatch!

When I placed the Queen Mother egg on the ground, I was extremely nervous. Even when buying a brand-name computer, there’s still a chance of getting a fake. I just hoped this alien product was IBM before it got bought by Lenovo, not damn Dell. If this turned out to be a dud, I’d spend the rest of my life as the second wild man of Shennongjia.

The Queen Mother, having received the hatching command, immediately awoke from dormancy. About five minutes later, a crack appeared on the eggshell. When this piece of alien high-tech finally broke open, a soft, silkworm-like bug crawled out.